


shadows settle on the place, that you left

by BowDownToAtsumuPeasants



Series: Miya Twins Collection [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Denial, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm purposely refraining from adding certain tags that may lead to spoilers, Missing Persons, Protective Siblings, Realization, References to Depression, Sibling Bonding, Twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25071739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BowDownToAtsumuPeasants/pseuds/BowDownToAtsumuPeasants
Summary: It took only thirteen words for everything in Miya Osamu's world to come tumbling down like a tower made of thin glass."MSBY Black Jackals Starting Setter Miya Atsumu Goes Missing: Investigation and Search Ongoing"
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu
Series: Miya Twins Collection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815778
Comments: 66
Kudos: 183





	1. our minds are troubled by the emptiness

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys. I know I have a work here which I have yet to post the sequel of despite saying I was going to, but I just wanted to write this out. When I thought of the idea for this series, I told myself, "I have to write this one no matter what."
> 
> These things aside, some chapters may or may not be beta read. It all depends on my best friend's schedule.
> 
> Follow me on twitter! [@atsumu_angst](https://twitter.com/atsumu_angst)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsumu's continued absence is daunting.  
> Osamu decides to give his brother a piece of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anything, in case some people might get confused, I put "Day X" prior to scenes in order to state how many days had passed since Atsumu went missing.
> 
> "Day 0" would mean the same day Atsumu disappeared.  
> "Day 1" would mean a day after he disappeared.  
> If "Day -X" is written, this would imply the number of days BEFORE he went missing. So if you see for example, "Day -3", this would mean the following scene happened 3 days before Atsumu went yeet on everyone.
> 
> This chapter has been beta read by my favorite songerist, [needlesstosay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/needlesstosay/pseuds/needlesstosay) ♥

**Day 4**

**MSBY Black Jackals Starting Setter Miya Atsumu Goes Missing. Investigation and Search Ongoing.**

The headline glowed a glaring red on the screen, as if it was mocking him. A face completely identical to his, with the exception of that awful blond hair he had always hated looking at, was displayed dauntingly on the television. The reporter, with his grim expression and his equally grim voice spoke in an piercingly unnerving tone.

"His teammates initially thought that some personal problems came up which rendered him unable to join practice for days. But after the third day of his absence, with no answers to messages or calls and his whereabouts unknown, family and friends have chosen to file a missing persons report. The last person who had been in contact with the professional athlete was his brother, Miya Osamu. After he left his brother's restaurant in the afternoon three days ago, no one knows where he went. His neighbors report that Miya Atsumu did not come home that night or the days after that. A search has begun to find the professional athlete."

"Osamu, here. Drink this." Kita hands the oddly silent boy, who has been frozen still on his seat for the past 5 minutes a glass of cold water. His eyes remained glued on the face that mirrored his on the screen. He had always wished his brother would change his hair into _anything_ that didn't look like a stack of hay, just so he didn't have to hurt his eyes looking at it every time he was around. ~~Although now, he would be more than glad to catch a glimpse of that silly hair.~~

"Osamu, why don't you drink some water?" Aran urges the boy to drink when he didn't so much as move a single inch to respond. "Just to calm down your nerves a bit." It was painful hearing such worried voices from his friends back in high school. No one could blame them though. Something like this has never happened before. Osamu inhales sharply before looking up at them, the bags underneath his eyes apparent.

"...Thanks." His voice was weak and hoarse, but everyone could hear him just fine. The least Osamu could do is to let his friends console him. After all, they all took the time to come despite their own respective schedules. It was almost funny how they're acting now. In the past, when something was wrong, they'd trust each other to be able to stand back up. But this time is different. This time involved a missing person and his distraught brother.

"Did he... did Tsumu say anything to you guys? Anything that might suggest where he went?" When no one answered, he knew the answer. "...I see." Osamu clenches his hand in frustration. Everything was happening too fast, it was _overwhelming_. The fight, the missed practices, the unanswered calls, the unread messages, the apartment that remained as it is ever since he _disappeared_. Osamu's head could burst just thinking about what went wrong.

He shuts his eyes close as he thinks back to the last time he had seen his brother. They had a fight. Like they always did. No... this was different. This one was bad. This time was really bad. Both of them lost their temper. They yelled at each other, hurling insults back and forth.

And then he stepped back. He walked out. With those enraged eyes, he looked at Osamu for the last time before turning his back and walked out. And then... and then he was _gone._ No one knew where he went after that.

Osamu could feel his shoulders tremble. Was it out of concern? Anguish? Rage? He didn't know anymore.

_Just where the fuck did you run off to, Tsumu?_

**Day 2**

"What, you got in a fight with your brother again?"

Osamu couldn't help the frown that formed on his face at Suna's inquiry. He hears the other boy snicker upon witnessing his reaction and Osamu doesn't waste a single beat to roll his eyes.

Two days ago, the twins had gotten into another one of their fights. A nasty one at that. It was mostly due to Atsumu being a huge jerk as usual. Osamu's patience had grown so incredibly thin that he snapped, and chaos ensued. The fight ended with Atsumu walking out on him, which was new since it was Osamu who was usually the first to step back and be the mature one between the two.

With his mood ruined by the memory, Osamu puts the plate of onigiri on the counter with an unimpressed gaze. "Why does it matter? He's probably off whining to his girlfriend about it anyway."

Suna mutters a thank you before indulging on the freshly-cooked onigiri the restaurant owner had just served him. He tries to speak while eating, his words becoming more like mumbling noises. He stops and takes his time chewing and swallowing his food before speaking up again. "It seems things aren't going well between them lately though."

Osamu raises his brow at Suna, who just shrugs before going back to his food. Osamu ponders for a while as he wipes the dishes. "Considering that jerk's personality, I'm not surprised. I've always wondered what kind of spell he put to get a girl like Hanabi to date him."

Suna almost spills his food when he couldn't stop the laughter that came upon hearing Osamu's words. The restaurant owner smirks at the sight before handing the other boy some tissues. "Besides, since when did you become so close with Tsumu that he updates you on his love life? He doesn't even tell me shit." Osamu continues.

"Eh. He didn't, actually. I just figured since his reaction was off when I mentioned his girlfriend when I messaged him the other day."

"Huh. Is that right." Osamu hears a buzz and looks over at his phone. He peers at the caller, expecting it to be his demon twin. To his surprise, it was a call from said twin's team captain. "What. Did that guy do something stupid again? I swear if it's to pick up his drunken ass..." Osamu picks up the call hesitantly. "Meian-san? Did that imposter of mine do something troublesome again?"

"Osamu-kun, do you happen to know where Atsumu is? He didn't join practice today too. And he didn't really inform anyone of any prior plans." Osamu froze. Tsumu? Skipping practice? As if skipping for one day wasn't already odd enough, he didn't go today as well? "Osamu-kun?"

"Ah... he didn't really mention anything, Meian-san. Have you tried calling him?"

"Yeah, but he isn't picking up no matter how many times we've called. Hinata and Bokuto have tried messaging him but he hasn't even read a single thing they've sent. Heck, even Kiyoomi has started trying to contact him but to no avail." Meian explains with an exasperated sigh. For some reason, Osamu feels his heartbeat quicken its pace. "If you hear anything from him, please do inform us. It's unlike him to not even respond to calls or messages like this. Even the coach is starting to get worried."

"Sure thing, Meian-san. I'll be sure to tell you when I manage to reach him." The call leaves a bitter taste in Osamu's mouth. Suna, who has been listening silently at the whole ordeal shoots him a concerned look. 

"It seems Tsumu didn't join practice today. He didn't join volleyball practice yesterday too. It seems none of them were able to contact him as well." Osamu says as a matter-of-fact, but Suna knew that underneath his calm facade, the boy was getting worried about all of this. And he had all the reasons to be.

As complicated as Atsumu's mood swings were, his love for volleyball was the one thing that was consistent. No matter how much of a shitty day he had, Atsumu wouldn't skip a single day of practice for anything. Osamu thought that his absence yesterday was already odd enough, but he blamed the pretty bad argument they had the day before it. Maybe he drank too much and woke up the next day late with an extreme hangover. But missing practice today as well? There was something amiss here.

"Why don't you try calling your parents? Maybe he went home or something. You know how impulsive your brother is. Your fight this time was pretty bad, right? He might've gone home without thinking things through. He might've left his phone at his apartment too, so that's probably why you're unable to contact him." Suna calmy advises. Osamu lets out a deep breath before slowly nodding.

"Right. You're right. I should try calling our parents." Osamu quickly dials his mother's number, his heartbeat still going fast. He hears his mother's voice and he allows himself to hope that his brother was with her. "Hey, Ma. How are you?"

"Osamu, dear! It's unlike you to call this late in the evening! Me and your father are doing fine. Is there anything wrong?" If Atsumu was at home, sulking like he usually does after their fights, their mother sure didn't let it show with her voice. At least, that's what Osamu hopes is going on.

"Nope, just felt like calling. Is Tsumu home?" He goes straight for the jugular. He hears his mother pause for a moment, and he could guess it was because Tsumu had begged her not to tell anyone he was around. Right. That must be it. That selfish jerk.

"Atsumu? Why would he be here? He has an upcoming game this month. I'm sure he's too busy practicing these days. Why are you asking?" Osamu felt his heart drop. His mother's voice was clear from any indications of lying. That means Tsumu isn't at home either. "Osamu, dear? Why do you ask? Is there something wrong I don't know about?"

"No." Osamu answers, albeit too quickly. "Nothing's wrong. He just mentioned something the last time we talked, so I thought he went home. I called him awhile ago but he didn't answer. Maybe his phone is dead or something. Don't worry, Ma. I'm sorry if I scared you." He tries to make an excuse with the most gentle and natural voice he could manage. He prays his mother didn't catch the way his voice shook at the end.

"Is that so? Well, alright then. It's getting late, and I had a tiring day today so I'll have to excuse myself first. Goodbye, son."

"Bye, Ma. Have a good night."

"I take it that he isn't at home either?" Osamu shakes his head at Suna's question. Osamu rakes his fingers through his hair in contemplation.

"I don't know what's up with that guy but I'll check up on him at his apartment tomorrow. Sorry for dragging you into this, Rin." Osamu smiles apologetically.

Suna snorts at his words. "What's up with that? Your brother may be a huge pain-in-the-ass, but even I would be worried when no one has been able to reach him for two days. And besides..." He stands up from his seat and gives Osamu a serious look. "He's also my friend." 

\--

_That asshole... I know our fight was bad this time around, but what's up with this attitude? Not picking up calls? Not answering messages? There's a limit to how much of a brat you can be._

Osamu grumbles as he plopped down his bed. He was pissed at his brother's childish behavior. Does Atsumu even realize how much he's inconveniencing all these people around him? Osamu decides he was gonna punch the guy when he sees him again. 

_Should I call Hanabi? ...No, he might be with her tonight. If he sees that I'm calling her, I bet he'll ask her to lie or something._

Osamu resigns himself to his bed with a heavy grunt. This was the thing when you got in a fight with Atsumu. Everything becomes _literally_ a headache. Osamu shifts to his side and grabs his blanket. After their fight, he's been trying to put the memory of it at the back burner. He was a busy and mature adult, unlike a certain someone, and had better things to do than sulk around about a damn fight he wasn't wise enough to avoid.

Osamu shuts his eyes indignantly. Whatever. Who cares where that guy went? Not Osamu. He was done with spending the past twenty-three years of his life trying his best to be patient with his brother who didn't give a single damn about others. He only cared about himself, so why should Osamu be troubled by whatever he's doing now? Did that bastard think he would regret the things he told him that afternoon? After all this nonsense he's pulling, Osamu definitely doesn't.

He wraps himself with his blanket and frowns. He refuses to lose sleep over this. Atsumu's probably out there whining to someone while he's right here losing his shit with a thousand questions. That's it. Osamu was done with thinking.

He clears his mind and takes deep breaths. He needs to sleep. If he was going to Atsumu's apartment the next day, he was bound to suffer a migraine. With those thoughts in mind, Osamu gives in to sleep.

That night, Osamu dreamt of a time when he lost Atsumu in the woods when they were 9. 

**Day 3**

This may be the worst day of Osamu's whole entire life.

Not only did he have to leave the restaurant in the hands of his precious, hardworking staff just to check up on his frustrating twin brother in his apartment, said place was empty upon his arrival. Osamu buries his face in his palms. He can't believe he skipped his work this morning just for this. He thought things would go smoothly today.

He'd knock on Atsumu's apartment, only to get ignored and left outside. Then, with a key he duplicated from Hanabi's spare key, he'd open up the damn door and find his brother sulking either on the couch with his boxers on watching the television, or in his bed like a sick person. Instead, he finds no one. No one watching the TV with a dumb look on his face. No one lying in bed in a blanket cocoon. No one.

"Did I come too late?" Osamu checks the time on his phone. It was nearing 10 in the morning. He should have expected Atsumu to have woken up earlier than that. Of course. He must have gotten up early today and finally went back to practice after skipping for days. Atsumu can't stand not playing volleyball. He probably had a relapse and crawled his way back to court like the baby that he was. 

He scans the state of Atsumu's apartment. It was messy, but surprisingly not as messy as Osamu thought it would be. Some shirts and jackets were just left on the couch, and some plates were still left unwashed in the sink. The most unexpected of them all was his bedroom. It was completely clean. His bed was arranged well, his pillows and blanket were where they should be. Osamu doesn't dare check the closet lest it ruins his impression of cleanliness.

There were signs of his brother being around recently, he thinks. This was enough to put some of his unacknowledged worries at ease. He was still pissed at Atsumu though. It seems it would take quite some time until they make up after their last fight.

Osamu heaves a heavy sigh as he closes the door to his brother's apartment. He finds himself face-to-face with the next-door neighbor who was a kind old lady, Mrs. Aiko.

Atsumu was surprisingly clever at choosing where to live, picking a place where the residents were mostly old and uninterested with a young and "handsome" athlete. Atsumu was indeed very popular among girls. Osamu would never say that in front of his brother's face ever though. The asshole's head would get bigger than it already is.

"Oh! I thought Atsumu-kun finally came home! It's you, Osamu-kun." Mrs. Aiko gives a hearty laugh. "Did you come to get some things for your brother?"

_'Finally came home?'_

"Excuse me. What did you mean by Tsumu finally coming home?" Osamu gulps, feeling the ends of his hair stand. The old woman blinks at him in wonder.

"Hmm? Well, hasn't he been staying at your place? I was getting worried since Atsumu-kun hasn't gone home for days. You see, I sleep quite late at night. Atsumu-kun knows this and knocks on my door to give me some fruits or some supermarket coupons every time he gets home. He's such a sweet child!" Mrs. Aiko beams as she shared this unknown piece of information to Osamu.

"So you're saying that Tsumu hasn't been giving you anything for days now? So he hasn't been coming home?" A feeling he can't describe began to rise in his chest. He stares at Mrs. Aiko with an almost pleading look, as if he was saying: please say no.

"Yes." Osamu's breath stops. Mrs. Aiko's cheerful features began to lose its jolly. "He hasn't been greeting me on the way home for two days now. I sleep late and wake up early so I often see him leave in the morning as well, but... Including today, it's been three days since I last saw him leave his apartment... Osamu-kun, is something wrong?"

"I'm fine. It's fine. Thank you, Mrs. Aiko. Have a good day." Osamu couldn't wait for the older woman to reply before walking away.

Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. Atsumu does ignore him after their fights, but never to this extent. It didn't reach the point where he would skip practice, or ignore all others' calls and messages. Hell, he'd sometimes even stay over his friends' apartments and drink himself until he pukes!

Osamu stops. 

_That's it. He's staying at someone else's apartment. But not from anyone in the team... Hanabi! He must be staying over at Hanabi's!_

Osamu quickly reaches for his phone before hesitating. If Atsumu is staying over at his girlfriend's, it would be best to head there unannounced. Hanabi might inform Atsumu that he called and might run off again to who knows where. Osamu pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming.

This may be the worst day of Osamu's whole entire life.

\--

"Hanabi? She went back to her hometown in the countryside three days ago. She didn't say exactly when she'll come back. I heard she had to take care of some important things there. Family problems maybe, but I'm not sure." A highschooler, Hanabi's next-door neighbor informs him.

_Three days ago? The same day we fought..._

"Around what time did Hanabi leave? I need her help for something important, you see."

"What time..?" The young man scratched his head. "I think it was late in the afternoon? The sky was getting pretty dark already so it must be around that time. About 5PM? Ah, and she left with a man!"

Osamu perks up at the last detail. "I see. Thank you very much." Before the young man could reply, Osamu darted away with his phone in his hand.

"...You're welcome... What's he in a hurry for?" The young man huffed.

"What are you doing just standing there?" An older woman peeks out from the door. "Who was that? A friend of yours? You should have invited him inside!"

"Oh no. It was just some guy asking about where Hanabi is."

"What? Again?" The older woman scrunches her brows. "A lot of people sure are looking for that girl."

"What do you mean, mom?"

"Three days ago, a man asked about where Hanabi went too. He was a tad bit too late, since she already left about an hour before he arrived. But my, I couldn't see his face well but I could tell he was genuinely handsome! His body looked very toned too. He must have worked out a lot." The woman giggles, earning a disgusted look from her son.

"Mom! Stop that!"

"What! I'm not doing anything wrong!"

\--

Osamu enters his car with a grin on his face. So his damn brother went with Hanabi all the way to Nagano. He grips his steering wheel to contain his excitement. He felt victorious after all the stress his brother's been putting him through. Atsumu went as far as to ignoring everyone who tried to contact him, and then what? He found out where he went anyway.

Then realization hit him. Why would Atsumu go to Nagano with his girlfriend? To elope? What for? No one was against his relationship as far as he was concerned. If he wanted to marry her, he could just do it in the city. Plus, he was pretty well-off. Why go as far as Nagano?

Besides, it was unlike Atsumu to do something like that. It was almost time for his team's next game too. Atsumu wouldn't give up volleyball just like that. And his apartment, his clothes― fuck, he should have checked his closet!

Osamu bangs his arm on the steering wheel. He was seething now, losing every bit of his dying patience. He closes his eyes and attempts to breathe slowly. Losing his cool now won't do anything. Atsumu will get what's coming for him soon enough, and that'd be a good punch in the face from Osamu himself.

He doesn't hesitate to call Hanabi's number this time. He waits for the other line to pick up. Maybe it's because he's getting impatient, but Osamu feels like it's taking Hanabi too long to pick up.

When he hears the familiar click and Hanabi's nervous "Hello?", relief rushes through Osamu.

"Hanabi. I'm glad you picked up. I need to speak with Tsumu. Now. I don't care if he told you to lie or to say he isn't around at this very moment. I need to speak with him." He doesn't waste a single second since Hanabi answered his call. Osamu is thoroughly displeased and unimpressed with his brother's behaviour thus far. He needs to beat some sense into him with words right now. And then comes his fist when they meet face-to-face next time.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about. Atsumu isn't here—"

"Hanabi. I know he is. I went to your apartment and your neighbor told me you left with a man three days ago. So can I speak with my brother, please?"

"Osamu... I-I'm serious. Just... i-it's..." Hanabi struggles with her words. She takes a moment to compose herself before speaking up once more. "Atsumu isn't with me. That man my neighbor saw, that was my brother. I had to go home since my grandma is sick and she might not have that long to live anymore. She wishes to be with her family until then, so..." She trails off. "L-look... This is very awkward for me, okay? I mean, Atsumu and I are pretty much o-o-over..."

Osamu stiffens. "What?"

"W-we haven't been talking properly for like a month. And every time we do, w-we just fight. H-he's been ignoring my messages and calls. He just pretty much s-started acting like he doesn't care anymore, okay? If that's not him trying to say we're over, I don't know what it is." Osamu could hear her quiet sob from the other line. "Look, you c-calling me right now... is a-awkward and h-hard for me, okay? I don't need to deal with this right now. So please, don't just suddenly ask me about talking to A-Atsumu. A-and please don't call m-me again."

"...I'm sorry. I didn't know. If that's what you want—" Hanabi hangs up immediately.

Osamu buries his hand in his hair. His head is throbbing painfully now. An uneasy feeling rises up to his chest like acid. He feels like he's gonna puke. He feels sick. He feels lost. So completely lost. He doesn't know where to go from here. He thought he finally knew where Atsumu was, but now he's back to square one.

In one last attempt, he calls Atsumu's team captain. He finds the action odd, but maybe he is desperate for any form of reassurance— _just anything_ —even though he already knew the outcome. Again, it felt like it was taking him too long to pick up. Osamu swears it felt like years just waiting for him to answer his call.

"Osamu-kun?"

"Meian-san..." His voice cracks.

"Ah! Were you finally able to reach Atsumu? _So, where is he right now?_ "

Despite finding it disrespectful, Osamu ends the call without bothering to voice out a reply. He loses his grip on his phone and it falls down with an indifferent thud. He leans back and holds his face with his hands, his heart pounding painfully against his chest. He was frustrated beyond degree. He wanted to scream, to yell out to the world and demand to bring his brother back to him at this very moment. And when his twin would stand in front of him, he'd have him answer his rage with his face on his fists.

How could he? How _dare_ he go off to some place not even _he_ could find him? How _dare_ he suddenly do things he's never done before? This is different. Too different. They would fight. They would ignore each other for days. Then little by little, they'd start to reconnect. Osamu would slightly nod his head for a truce and it would be greeted with a bratty ‘hmpf’ _(which in Atsumu language, translates to “I’m not sorry but since you asked, yer forgiven)_. Some days, a subtle nudge with the elbow, or maybe a gaze which only the other could decipher. And then they were back to normal.

What changed this time around? That it was worse and nastier than usual? This wasn't the first time they had this huge of a fight. When Osamu had told Atsumu that he chose to give up on volleyball after high school, the chaos that followed was just as bad. No, it was much, much worse then. They'd gone kicking and beating each other up. Their violent fight ending with a challenge on which one would end up as the happier twin.

Atsumu didn't just go and vanished off the face of the earth after that. So why now? Why would he try to run away and leave everything behind? ...But did he really?

_Oh god, what if someone kidnapped him? Were there cases of professional athletes being abducted in the past?_

The dread Osamu felt was disturbing. His mind began racing to all the possibly _horrid_ things that could have happened to his brother. He shakes his head intently, trying to keep his panic at bay. Now was not the time. He had to be calm in order to think clearly. Panicking now is _unnecessary_ and pointless. He has to keep his cool. He has to—

Osamu couldn't stop the sob that burst open his lips. He rests his palms on his mouth while shutting his eyes in pure utter fear, his tears threatening to fall like a dam. No words were enough to describe what he was feeling. His head is spinning and he has nothing to hold on. Panic. Dread. Anxiety. Terror. Denial. Pain. Osamu feels himself going mad.

_Fuck...fuck... fuck! Where are you? Just where in the world are you, scrub?_

For all of Miya Osamu's twenty-three years of existence, this day truly is the worst one yet.


	2. destroy the middle, it's a waste of time (from the perfect start to the finish line)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silence that follows Atsumu's disappearance is heavy.  
> It seeps into Osamu's lungs, grows along his ribs, and painfully wraps itself around his heart until he suffocates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repeating this reminder just in case:
> 
> I put "Day X" prior to scenes in order to state how many days had passed since Atsumu went missing.  
> "Day 0" would mean the same day Atsumu disappeared.  
> "Day 1" would mean a day after he disappeared.  
> If "Day -X" is written, this would imply the number of days BEFORE he went missing. So if you see for example, "Day -3", this would mean the following scene happened 3 days before Atsumu went yeet on everyone.

**Day -5110**

"This is all yer fault, Tsumu." A young Osamu grumbles bitterly. The sky was getting darker and darker by the minute and everywhere they look, there were only lines of trees that seemingly have no end. They were lost, and it was all Atsumu's fault.

"Mine?" Atsumu points to himself with raised brows and scoffs. "How is it _my_ fault? You were the one who wanted to follow the black butterfly we saw!" He indignantly raises a finger towards Osamu. "If anything, it's _your_ fault, Samu!" The younger twin crosses his arms with a loud huff. Osamu rolls his eyes at the gesture.

"Name a single time when it was my fault that things went wrong. There's none because it's _always your_ fault." Osamu loudly stomps a few steps away from his brother in exasperation. He doesn't see the way his brother's shoulders stiffened, or how his fingers twitched as his gaze travels to his feet. "I was only looking at the butterfly. You dragged me along with you to follow it around. So stop blaming me." Osamu continues to complain.

How did the two get lost in the woods? This summer, the Miya family decided to visit a relative in the deep countryside. The twins found the place boring. There wasn't a single volleyball court where kids their age were allowed to play. To make up for it, they'd play catch outside their uncle's home. But when their mother had caught them, she'd confiscate their ball and say "Stop playing by yourselves and go make some friends!"

The twins didn't see the point. They probably won't return for next year, and they'd surely stop talking to friends made during the summer when they'd return home. Their parents were so persistent with it though. Either they go make friends or try to explore the small town. Today, the twins decided to take a look around the forest by the town's shrine. They didn't plan on going in too deep, they just wanted to watch the flowers blooming around. Then the two saw an unusual black butterfly which Atsumu began to chase after. That was what led to this moment, the two of them lost _too deep_ inside the forest. Osamu cannot help but clench his fist at the memory.

After he had finished ranting, Osamu sports a large frown. He could guess what would come next. Atsumu would retort back while screaming and insisting that he wasn't at fault. Osamu braces for it, preparing all sorts of lines to answer Atsumu with. But when his twin didn't even produce a single sound, which was unusual from a person who hates losing at anything as much as he did, Osamu hesitantly shifts his gaze towards his brother.

Atsumu's eyes were set on something beyond the trees that filled their vision. "...Samu... do you hear that?" The younger boy shifts forward, his mind eerily focused on something. Osamu goes quiet and tries to listen to whatever it was that Atsumu was hearing.

And then he starts to hear it too. The two of them exchange a look. _A nearby river_. They'd seen it a lot on movies before. When a character gets lost in the woods and stumbles upon a river, they would follow it downstream and they'd be able to get out. This was the their chance! "We should follow the sound of the river. If we find it then we can get out of here." Osamu beams and Atsumu nods in agreement.

Droplets of water start to fall on the two brothers' skin. They look up and watch the dark gloomy clouds looming over them. The light shower started out gentle, until it began to pour down heavily on them. It was beginning to rain strongly. Osamu feels the panic well up in his chest. The rain would block the noise from the river. If they can't find the body of water soon, they'd be stuck here for the night.

"Tsumu, we have to go while we can still hear the river! Without wasting a single second, he dashes as fast as he can manage.

_It's okay. It's okay. I pretlty much remember where the sound came from. I'm sure we can find the river, and then we can go back home soon._

They were lost in an unfamiliar place while soaking in the rain. Osamu couldn't afford to be stuck here for even a night. Who knew what the woods had in store for mere kids like them? There could be a wild boar for all he knew! Osamu quickly runs past numerous lines of identical trees he begins to wonder if he was running in circles. He starts to panic again.

_Just where is that rive-_

He was careless. He was too focused on leaving and didn't watch where his feet were. He failed to notice the large root blocking his path. Osamu goes crashing down against the hard, muddy earth. He yelps loudly at the throbbing sensation on his ankle. He grits his teeth. This timing was horrible. He didn't have time for this kind of problem! He tries to pull himself up with shaking arms, his body growing cold from the heavy rain.

He turns his gaze towards his brother. "I think I sprained my ankle, Tsumu―" His eyes go wide. A nauseating emptiness and quiet greets the young boy. His twin brother was nowhere to be found.

**Day 67**

Osamu's eyes swiftly open as he feels a shudder down his spine. His breath hitches when his mind begins to race. A childhood memory. A _dream_. It was just a _dream_. He sits up from the sofa where he slept with a sharp inhale. He bites his lips hard until it began to bleed. Him losing sight of Atsumu in the forest when they were 9 was a childhood memory that came to him in a dream. But him losing Atsumu at 23 wasn't.

_Losing him... I hate the way that sounds... It's not like he's dead. He's just..._

Osamu doesn't know. It's been about two months since Atsumu disappeared. Two months since his mother fell on the floor in tears when she found out. Two months since his father had stopped grinning from ear to ear like he usually does. Two months since Osamu's life had become an absolute mess. Now that he thought about it, he had been dreaming of the same thing ever since he started to notice that something was wrong. He dreamt of the memory of when they were in the woods a day before he realized his brother had practically vanished from the face of the earth.

The corners of Osamu's mouth curve up and he chuckles bitterly at the thought. Perhaps it was a sign. A sign that things were amiss... and he realized too late. He could feel the sting from the bite mark on his lips. It was a habit he had unconsciously developed over the past few months. When he would feel greatly frustrated, he'd bite on his lips too hard until it started to bleed. He stopped when he saw the worry in his parents' eyes. Since then, he'd become alert and tried to stop when he noticed himself doing it. Sometimes, he'd forget. Like now.

The surface of the sofa vibrates as Osamu's phone rings. He sullenly gazes at the screen and his brows slightly rise. He answers the call without hesitating further. "Ma, you called?" Osamu was careful not to let the heaviness in his chest seep through his voice. His mother was already suffering enough. She didn't need to witness her... remaining son act depressed. He exhales quietly before wearing a small smile. "Is there something wrong?"

"Ah... no... I just wanted to hear your voice, dear..." His mother's voice falters as she seemingly thought for a moment. She was probably thinking of an excuse for her call. Osamu didn't have to ask her to know however. "I just missed you so much... I'm sorry for calling so suddenly." Osamu tell her it's fine and he could almost hear his mother's faint smile before she said goodbye. Osamu leans back on the sofa with a sigh after the call ended.

For the past two months, his parents would randomly call him. In the morning. In the middle of work. Very late at night. When the sun had barely risen. They'd call him, as if to reassure themselves that he was still there. That they still had one son left with them. Osamu feels his lungs tighten every time they called. Because he knew. He knew that his parents... had already accepted the possible worst case scenario. He was about to bite his lips again but he stops.

_No... I shouldn't be so gloomy this early in the morning._

Osamu stands up and opens the blinds to look outside his window. He is stunned at what he sees. His eyes are greeted with the dark sky and he soon realizes that it was still late. His brows begin to furrow while he shoots a glare at the clock on his bedside table. 3 AM. Osamu hates it when he wakes up at this time. He finds it hard to go back to bed and he'd often find himself going to work tired and with not enough sleep. Plus, the long hours gave him time to think. To think of things he'd rather not.

The dreary man sits back on the sofa with a low grunt. His lids feel heavy and he could feel the dark bags under his eyes that are most definitely there. Osamu hates late nights like this. When he's exhausted to the core but still unable to sleep. The only time Osamu could get some rest is when his body finally shuts down on its own. Even so, he could only get about five hours of sleep at most, and that's if he's lucky. Most days he only sleeps for about two hours. For the first few weeks, he resorted to alcohol. It was helpful as he'd immediately come crashing to bed afterwards. But the disapproval of his friends from Inarizaki prevented him from continuing to use such methods to sleep. After that, he considered sleeping pills... But he changed his mind lest he is tempted to down more pills than he should.

The quick-witted and sharp-tongued Osamu had changed so much for the past 2 months. He'd probably give Sakusa a run for his money with how gloomy he'd become. Osamu chuckles bitterly at the thought. Finding the silence suffocating, he turns on the television for some noise. He makes himself comfortable on the sofa and scrolls through his phone. He opens his social media accounts, checking for nothing in particular. He almost regrets it when he reads a daunting tweet.

_「The search and investigation has ended already. Isn't it nigh time we acknowledge that Miya Atsumu is dead? It's annoying how his fans insist to continue the search. Accept reality and wake up, people!! He isn't coming back!」_

Osamu feels a burning sensation surge through his body. In an outraged daze, he quickly types in a reply.

_「Are you fucking stupid? Why the fuck would you say that? The fact that he can't be found must mean he's trying to hide his traces. What other reasons could there be? Accept reality? Wake up? He's not coming back? Well fuck, I should be the one saying this to you. Let's see if you can accept reality, wake up, and come back home when I smash that motherfucking face of yours. You fucking pig.」_

He immediately stops and softly gasps when he realizes his thumb was hovering over the _'Tweet'_ button. What was he doing? What was the point of being angry like this? He was even using the Onigiri Miya account for this! Was he trying to sabotage his business, the one thing that helps keep his mind off things? Osamu quickly deletes the tweet and throws his phone on the sofa. He pulls his hair and finally notices that he has been breathing heavily.

His body is shaking... was it because of anger? Or was it because of fear? He didn't know. Ever since Atsumu left without even a goodbye, Osamu no longer understood the whirlwind of emotions deep inside of his heart. For two months, he'd either break down in silent tears where no one could see or carry an air of jaded defeat on his shoulders as he works indifferently. For two months, he'd think of meeting his brother again and punching him right in the face. For two months, he'd push back the imaginary image of a body bag and a tag that displayed a name that is similar to his deep into the depths of his mind where he couldn't see.

For two months, Miya Osamu gradually became a pitiful mess. Tears began to run down his cheeks and he sobs softly. For two months, Atsumu was still missing. Everyone he and his brother knew had been questioned. Still, no one knew where he went. They searched and searched and searched. But no Miya Atsumu could be found. His parents had resigned themselves to the worst possibility... that _he was dead._ But Osamu refused to believe that― he refused to even _think_ about it. Even so, the search and investigation had stopped. Everything was a dead end.

But Osamu believed this: his brother was most definitely alive. He could feel it deep in his bones, the same way one feels the beating heart in their chest. Besides, he had unfinished business with his twin. Osamu swore to himself that he'd beat him up when they meet again. How dare Atsumu leave just like that? How dare he make their parents cry? How dare he leave volleyball and everything he loved behind? How dare he disappear to some place Osamu couldn't find?

Osamu fights the urge to bite his lip. Instead, he clenches his fist until he was sure his nails had left ugly marks on his palm. "You fucking jerk..." His breath starts to hitch. "Tsumu you fucking jerk..." He could feel the wetness of his cheeks and begins wiping away his tears. It seems Osamu wouldn't be able to rest well tonight as well.

**Day 68**

"You look horrible. I'll take care of the shop today so go home and get some sleep." Kita hands Osamu a bag that gave off a nostalgic scent. "I bought you some scented candles. And if that isn't to your taste, then there's also a humidifier there. I heard that lavender scent helps you feel sleepy." The older man continued with the familiar tone Osamu had grown accustomed to. He is reminded of their high school days, when Kita was his captain and Osamu was his junior in the volleyball team. He smiles softly at the memory.

"Kita-san, I appreciate your concern. However, I can take it from here. You don't have to do this―"

"I insist. Suna has been telling me that you haven't been sleeping well recently. I see now that the problem is worse than I thought." Kita eyes the bags under the younger man's eyes and frowns. Osamu looked horrible, perhaps the most horrible anyone from Inarizaki had seen him. When the shop owner remained rooted on where he stood, the older man sighs. "Osamu-kun, at least for today... please go back home and get some sleep."

Osamu's eyes begin to stir at the pleading tone. Kita had gone all the way here to take care of the shop just for the day. He doesn't have to take a guess on why he suddenly did this. Everyone has been concerned with Osamu's declining health and obvious fatigue lately. Reluctantly, he nods and turns back to the entrance. "...Thank you, Kita-san."

_Well... if it's Kita-san, I'm sure the shop will be fine._

"No problem. Suna will be checking up on you later and report to me if you're really asleep."

Osamu frowns but doesn't protest. Such was a pointless endeavor when dealing with _the_ Kita-san. With a defeated sigh, Osamu drives back home.

At least, that's where he was supposed to go.

Osamu instead finds himself staring at Atsumu's apartment complex building from a nearby alleyway. He isn't thinking of anything in particular, and that's exactly why he was there. Somehow, standing like this and looking at his brother's apartment from outside felt comforting― peaceful even. When he sees the neighboring tenants going in and out of their places, it feels as if his very own twin would open his door with that signature awful-looking hair color of his at any second now.

Of course, it never happens.

Of course, it's just a pointless daydream.

Osamu's reverie is broken by an old woman's yelp, a dog's bark, and a horde of oranges rolling towards his feet. He quickly picks them up for the elderly, making sure to give a polite smile as he gives them back to her. "Uhm, your oranges..." Osamu mumbles and the old woman suddenly beams.

"Oh my! It's you! I've been wondering why you haven't been visiting me lately!" She smiles as she pats down the young man's arm. This is when Osamu notices how her eyes are facing him, despite them clearly not focusing on his features. Osamu's brows raise as it dawned on him that the old lady was blind. He eyes the dog whose leash she's been holding.

"Oh, uhm, Mrs..." Osamu starts speaking. He smiles nervously as he takes the old woman's hands that were on his arm. _You're mistaking me for another person._

" _Mrs_? Oh dear, since when have you been calling me so formally like that?" The elderly asks, the wrinkles on her face emphasized as she softly laughs. "Call me Granny like you usually do, Tsumu!" At that, the words that were about to leave Osamu's tongue dissipates.

"...What?"

"I'll be baking a cake today. Why don't you come in and eat with me? It's been a while since we last spoke like this!"

Osamu knows he shouldn't be lying like this.

But when Mrs. Riko ushered him inside her home immediately after calling him by his brother's name, he knew he should be with this old woman right now. But he starts to feel guilty when she continues talking about her son and how he hasn't been visiting his mother lately, and how she felt lonely when even Atsumu had stopped visiting her as well. Osamu frowns as he listens. He knows this isn't something he should be listening to. These were words meant for Atsumu to hear. These are things only Mrs. Riko and Atsumu know.

But when Mrs. Riko also spoke of the times Atsumu visited her and how she treasured the memories, Osamu couldn't help but listen intently. He can't stop the corners of his lips from forming into a small smile as he hears about how his brother has been taking care of the elderly woman. Apparently, Atsumu and Mrs. Riko met at a nearby supermarket one late afternoon and he ended up assisting her and bringing her home. That was how they got to know one another. Ever since then, Atsumu would often come to visit her on days he is free, and Mrs. Riko would gladly bake pastries while he helps her. Atsumu reminded Mrs. Riko so much of her son that the two of them bonded easily.

Mrs. Riko has been living alone for years now. Her son was a businessman who was too preoccupied with work that he forgot to take care of his mother. Instead, he just provided her with a nice home, and that was about it. Osamu couldn't help but laugh as Mrs. Riko recalled the time Atsumu called her son an asshole right in front of her face. That's exactly something he can imagine his brother doing. Time with Mrs. Riko seemed to pass by quickly for Osamu and he was surprised that the cake he had helped her bake was now ready.

The two of them share a quiet moment as they eat. Osamu's mood was better now and he smiles as he tastes the orange from the newly-baked cake. He steals a glance at Mrs. Riko, who also wore a peaceful look on her face. The two of them remained quiet for a good few minutes, until the elderly woman suddenly opened her mouth.

"You aren't Tsumu, are you?" Her voice was so gentle and calm that Osamu thought he misheard her at first. He blinks once. Twice. He slowly puts down his fork and gulps. He tries to find the right words to say, his mouth opening and closing hesitantly.

"I'm sorry." The first thing Osamu said. Mrs. Riko only grins and shakes her head, a gesture that could only be understood as her being fine with it. "...How did you know?" Osamu asks.

"Well, you were too quiet the whole time to be Tsumu." Mrs. Riko cheerily laughs and Osamu grins at the answer. Indeed, Atsumu definitely wasn't the type to be so quiet for long periods of time. He always had something to say about everything. Typical noisy brat. "I was only suspicious at first, but I was certain when I mentioned my son. Every time I bring him up, Tsumu would always go on and give a sermon on how children shouldn't be leaving their dear old mother to live all alone like this." Mrs. Riko chuckles, but this time Osamu's smile turns into a small frown.

It was ironic, how Atsumu said those things yet left his own family... _No, I should stop thinking like this._

"Granny," Osamu's voice sounded heavy and serious. Mrs. Riko could sense that what he was going to say next were words she had to hear. "...Atsumu is missing. It's been 2 months now."

Mrs. Riko doesn't respond and Osamu doesn't try to end the silence between them either. The young man simply stared at the window across him, his eyes on the rays of light that rained down on the now empty plate on the table.

"You know..." Mrs. Riko shifts in her seat. "Tsumu talked a lot about you. He said that you two look exactly like each other. And even talk and sound the same. I can attest to that now!" She grins softly. Osamu continues to stare at his plate as she went on.

"He said that the two of you bickered quite a lot. He used to always complain about how you'd mercilessly shoot him down with words. Then he'd laugh and say, _'Well, I'd expect nothing less from my brother! I'd be more worried if he didn't have that poison tongue on him!'_ "

Osamuu's eyes are on Mrs. Riko now. Her words weren't something he expected. The old woman hums as she raised her head, as if thinking back of good memories.

"That sweet boy... He'd talk badly about you behind your back, muttering endless complaints about how you're too mean to him, but... I knew that he treasured you a lot."

_Then why the hell did he suddenly leave?_

"He would often worry about you when your business seems to be going through tough times. On weeks when he has yet to visit you, he'd constantly keep talking about how he missed eating the food you make. Sometimes, he'd share about his memories of when you two were in high school with a bright and excited voice... Although he'd adamantly deny it if someone asked, I knew he loved you dearly."

_Do people abandon someone they love that easily?_

"Samu, he probably doesn't tell you such things, but I do know one thing. You were one of the people that kept him going." Mrs. Riko's soft voice almost sounded like a whisper. If Osamu hadn't been paying attention, he would have missed those words that seemed to drift away like the wind.

_Kept him...going..?_

"That poor, sweet boy..." The old woman's voice shakes as she puts her head down slowly. "He would always act cheerful and bright. But I knew... I knew that deep down, that boy is... _lonely_."

Osamu blinks once. _Lonely?_ Twice _. Tsumu?_ Thrice _._

He thinks back of their days in high school. The glares and clenched teeth directed at his brother. The jealous eyes planted on his back. He recalls their time in middle school. The contempt in the voices of clubmates who talked badly behind his brother's back.

_'Tsumu, everyone hates you.'_ Osamu had said.

Atsumu only blinked. _'So?'_

Atsumu was never lonely. He'd get frustrated or agitated or annoyed or blow up in anger. But he'd never been lonely. His brother would look everything against him in the eye and shoot them his middle finger without a care in the world.

"I... don't understand."

"...I know." Mrs. Riko closed her eyes with a lonely smile. "Tsumu did mention that he was a very good actor."

_...What?_

Mrs. Riko suddenly stands up and Osamu is unable to ask again. He quickly helps her as she hits her foot on a nearby pot while trying to head somewhere. "By the huge clock near the wall, there's a bookcase. Can you take me there?" 

Osamu did as she requested, leading the elderly woman to the bookcase adorned with many plant decorations. "Thank you, Samu... On the third shelf, there must be leather notebook just lying over there, yes? Can you go and take it please?"

Osamu reaches out for the notebook and examines its cover. It was made of a brown synthetic leather with the letter A embellished on it. He hands the item to the elderly woman, but she pushes it back to Osamu instead.

"Take it. That notebook belongs to your brother."

"...Pardon?"

Mrs. Riko smiles. "I gave it to him as a gift once. I told him to write down whatever he feels in its pages. He was reluctant to use it for that at first, but he ended up using it quite a lot anyway. In his last visit, he forgot to bring it with him and left it on the table."

Osamu's fingers trembled as he carried the notebook, which now felt heavier than it did a few moments ago. "This...why..."

"One should never read another's diary." Mrs. Riko starts. "But... this is an exception. You should probably read that, Samu. I feel it in my heart that you must." Her voice sounded sure and Osamu feels his muscles tense up.

He stares at the cover again, his fingers slowly tracing the edges of the notebook. Then, slowly, he opens it and flips to the first entry. He is greeted by the familiar handwriting that's too neat and beautiful for someone as rash as his brother.

But oddly, this time, the familair sight was something Osamu felt like he had always wanted to see.

「 _Entry No. 1_

 _Today, Granny gave me this diary._ 」

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAA I WANNA CRAWL IN A CAVE AND DIEEEE
> 
> I am so sorry for the late update! So many things came up irl and I also had to deal with a writer's block. For so many days, this chapter kept dealing with numerous changes because I had a hard time moving the story forward.
> 
> I finally was able to write it, but because I knew it took too long to have the second chapter, I wrote it a bit too hastily and so it might have typos. I sincerely apologize for any. If you see some, don't be scared to point them out in the comments!
> 
> Thank you so much as well for all the comments in the last chapter! To be honest, I didn't think this fic would get that much attention, so really, I'm very happy! Thank you so much!
> 
> I hope you liked the second chapter!


	3. and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Osamu begins to see the past 23 years of his life through the lens of his brother's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things to keep your mind on:
> 
> \- If the blocks of text are suddenly aligned from the right, this depicts a scene which was written about on Atsumu's diary. Basically a flashback but from Atsumu's perspective.  
> \- Text enclosed in 「」are from Atsumu's diary.  
> \- I am still using the same "Day X" pattern for chronology.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter

**_EDIT:_ Okay, so I realized I missed a part of this chapter once I read what I posted. I already added the missing part in, hopefully it didn't seem like there was a jump in the scenes the first time I posted this. So sorry for the mess up!**

_「Entry No. 1_

_Today, Granny gave me this diary._

_She shouldn't have bothered though. I mean, really? Me, writing on a diary? That would be like hearing Samu apologize to me for starting random shit like throwing a ball to my head while I'm drinking water or suddenly smacking my head while walking to school back when we were younger. People always said Samu was the more well-behaved twin. Well-behaved my ass. Try saying that to my face right after he asks me if I'm gonna eat my sandwich and proceeds to take it when I say yes! He's that type of person!_

_Ugh, writing about that time is pissing me off again. And I'm getting side-tracked too. Anyways, yeah. Granny decided to give me this diary. She said it would help me express my feelings and let out whatever was on my mind. Seriously, Granny is scarily sharp. Or maybe I just let my guard down too much around her. She reminds me of Granny... I mean my actual grandma. The two of them are really alike. Both seem to know what I'm thinking of like it's their superpower or something. Maybe it's just something that comes with being a grandparent? I wouldn't know though. I've always been good at reading people._

_Haa, I have no idea what to write here really. I know I'm supposed to "release all the bottled up emotions" and all, but it feels kinda awkward to write about it. I mean, what if someone ends up reading this? Oh my god, what if Samu finds this? He'll definitely smirk at me triumphantly or something. Maybe even tease me about whatever I'll write about here. Alright, now I know I should never write about embarrassing moments of my life in here. That would only lead to disaster._

_Ok, I originally planned to only write a few entries and stop some time after that. But seeing Granny smile as she hears me writing down on here feels... nice. I think she's happy. Maybe I'll continue writing stuff down here after all. I just don't know what or how often though. I heard people who keep diaries usually recount their day and write it down. Do I have to do that too? And every single day? That seems too much of a hassle. My diary, my rules._

_Well, that's all I have to write about for now. I'll probably write here again tomorrow or some other day. Whatever, I'll figure it out soon.」_

"Where were you?" The voice sounded calm, but Osamu knows Kita is angry. "Osamu, I sent you home so you could rest. But if you spent the whole day out, then what was the point? When Aran called me saying you weren't at home, did you know how worried I was?" The older boy softly sighs. Osamu could picture his senpai pinching the bridge of his nose from a headache.

"I'm sorry. I was just..." He thinks back to how his day went. Osamu wonders if he should tell someone about what happened today, but he's just way too exhausted to have a long conversation right now. "...over at Tsumu's. Sometimes I watch his apartment from afar and just... think."

A heavy silence wafts between them bitterly. "I'm sorry. I'll go get some rest now, like you wanted." Osamu quickly finds the words to break the uncomfortable quiet and walks past a stiff Kita. "Would it be fine if you let me cook some food at least? I mean, you went through all the trouble of visiting. I'd feel bad if I can't even do this." Osamu scratches the back of his ear as he opens the fridge, waiting for the older boy's answer.

Kita shakes his head. "It's alright. Aran and I planned to eat out after. No need to worry about me." The older boy shoots Osamu that captain-like gaze he's come to fear back in high school. That look that seemed to say _"I know what's going on in your head"_ and the younger boy avoids his gaze.

"...Get some rest, Osamu." Kita's voice was soft, yet Osamu could swear it echoed throughout his apartment. "You look like you really need it."

Osamu smiles. "I know."

Osamu wakes up to sweat and a pounding head. It was 3am and he's resisting the need to bite his lip. He resorts to washing his face albeit too roughly and popping open and can of beer to calm his nerves.

Another nightmare. Does it really count as one though? He merely dreamed about an old memory. With him. With Atsumu. And to Osamu, dreaming of the past right now was just as good as having a nightmare.

He breathes deeply. Inhale. Exhale. But his heart was still pounding. He scans his room, searching for anything to fixate his focus on. Then his eyes land on a certain notebook and— _Oh._

_That's right. I found Tsumu's diary today..._

He stares at it blankly for a moment. He didn't think of it when he was over at Granny's but... could this diary... possibly lead him to a clue on his brother's whereabouts?

In a fraction of a second, Osamu reaches out for the notebook and opens the first page. He's about to scan through it quickly when a phrase catches his eye.

_'...lost in the forest.'_

_Huh?_

Osamu flips back to the page and skims through its contents. "This is... when we got lost when we were kids..?" He flips a few more pages back until he sees the first part of the entry. Osamu inhales.

_「Entry No. 2_

_I definitely said this wasn't going to be a daily thing, but here I am anyway writing a new entry just the day after. Ugh, I'm such a fucking clown. No wonder the rest of the team gives me those looks. Only Shouyou-kun and Bokkun are actually fairly nice to me. This entry better be a reminder that they're getting extra special gifts compared to the rest on Christmas from me._

_So yeah. Here I am. Writing another entry. Why? Well... I saw something that reminded me of the past. I was planning to spend the afternoon buying some groceries for Granny. Her hips have been painful for her recently, so I should at least get her her groceries for this week. As I was about to head over to her place, I ran into a crying boy._

_It seems he got separated from his twin and got lost. I had to help him out and find his brother. It took awhile. It seems he's been walking around in an attempt to find his brother that he ended up walking way farther than where he was supposed to be. Long story short, I managed to reunite him with his twin and honestly? It was kind of amusing. Another person found his twin crying as well and helped him find the boy I was with.The two bawled like crazy and hugged each other with snot in their noses when they reunited. It was funny and cute._

_...Looking at those boys, I remember something that happened with me and Samu. I think we were around 8? I'm not sure anymore. But we were visiting a relative and had to stay there for the summer. That time..._

"What're ya looking at, Samu?" A young Atsumu blinks at his brother whose eyes were glued to a leaf in front of him. Atsumu follows his brother's gaze and realizes he wasn't staring at a leaf. He was staring at a black butterfly. The young Atsumu gasps.

_I've never seen a black butterfly before! What's this! It's creepy but it's cool at the same time!_

He beams. He observes the pattern on its wings and stared closely as its stick-like legs "scratched" the pollen stuck on it. The twins found the creature so fascinating that they couldn't help but feel disappointed as the insect began to fly away. The two of them simply looked at it in silence and awe. Then, Atsumu had a thought.

_If I catch this butterfly and give it to Samu, he'd be happy, wouldn't he?_

Atsumu glances at his brother with a curious gaze. Osamu was still watching the butterfly as it flapped its wings. Atsumu could tell that he liked the creature a lot.

_Samu's been feeling a little sick lately. Maybe it's because of the heat? He says he feels dizzy sometimes. He gets annoyed a lot recently too. If I get the butterfly for him, will that cheer him up?_

The young Atsumu tries to think through his options. Osamu seemed to be very interested in the black butterfly as far as he could see. But if his brother suddenly got dizzy again as they run around to catch it, he'd feel bad.

The young boy thinks back to the day before. They had another argument which ended with Osamu locking him out of their room and Atsumu sleeping on the floor just outside. Osamu is still mildly avoiding Atsumu, despite the latter's attempts to strike up a conversation with him.

Atsumu decided the best way to get anywhere with talking to Osamu was through volleyball. But their mother had taken their ball away from them and asked them to play around here instead. Atsumu pouts. If they had ended up playing volleyball, Osamu might've budged by now. Instead, Osamu was looking around on his own despite all of Atsumu's antics to get his attention.

_...It's because I said something stupid again._

Atsumu clenches his fist as he thinks back on why they had fought in the first place. Atsumu slipped and ended up insulting a friend of his brother's. Osamu, of course, couldn't let this slide. So they ended up arguing, spatting out words not meant.

_B-but it's true... those people hanging around Samu. They're not real friends. They make fun of him behind his back. I know because I heard it..._

_**"Your brother is a stupid pushover and you're just the worse, useless version of him!"** _

The young Atsumu shuddered at that boy's words. He initially kept quiet, knowing that his brother wouldn't believe him anyway. But that night, he just couldn't handle it anymore and told Osamu everything. That his friends didn't really like him and only befriends him because the twins have nice things. Their uncle who lives in the US often sends them gifts. Those boys, jealous of what they had, approached the two of them to be "friends." Atsumu was quick to realize the truth however, and confronted the boys.

_**"So? What are you gonna do about it? Tell Osamu? Do you think he'll believe you? He'd rather spend time with us than with you, y'know? He obviously likes us better than you! Maybe you're the jealous one! You're jealous that your precious twin brother isn't spending as much time with you anymore."** _

_**"Hey, isn't he too clingy with his brother? Maybe that's why Osamu doesn't wanna spend time with him anymore. He's sick of you! Hahaha!"**_

_**"They're really the same. They're both stupid who think they're better than everyone else."** _

_"Take that back! Samu isn't stupid, and he certainly doesn't look down on other people! Take that back right now! Aren't you his friends? Why are you talking badly about him like that?!"_

**_"Hah? Friends? Us? With Osamu? No way! Who'd want to be friends with him OR you? Your brother is a stupid pushover and you're just the worse, useless version of him!"_ **

_"You've gotta believe me, Samu! Your friends are the worst! They're horrible scrubs who talk behind other people's backs!"_ The young Atsumu desperately tried to convince his brother. But his words fell on deaf ears.

_"Why are you doing this? Why are you always talking badly about others like that? My friends are good people! They've only ever been kind to me. You don't know anything, Tsumu!"_ Osamu angrily retorted.

_"But it's true! I'm not lying! Samu, what I'm saying really is true!"_

_"Are you just mad because I don't hang around with you as much anymore? Is that why you're doing this?"_

_"Huh?! What's that gotta do with anything?!"_

_"Do ya think I wouldn't notice, Tsumu? Every time I spend time with those guys, you glare at them like crazy!"_

_"That's because I had a bad feeling about them! And then it turns out that I was right!"_

_"Oh, so you're blaming them over a bad feeling you get and now you're making up things about them? I know you don't like them, Tsumu! They noticed it too! They even said that you're being too clingy and getting angry at them for the wrong reasons! Do you know how embarrassing it is to hear that from my friends?!"_

_"Why are you believing their words more than mine?! And why are you saying that I'm making this up? Do you really think I'd lie to you like that, Samu?!"_

_"You always lie to me! Even right in front of my face! Why is it so surprising for you that I don't believe you?"_

_"I- argghhh! This is so annoying! You're so frustrating! Why won't you just listen to me, Samu? Why are you always defending those guys? I'm your brother, aren't I? You're supposed to believe me instead! But you're fighting me for those guys! I hate you Samu! I hate you! Just go on with your precious friends then! I don't care anymore! This is exactly why they call you stupid and a pushover!!!"_ Running out of patience, Atsumu screamed at the top of his lungs. He breathes heavily, tired from their argument. Tears threaten to fall from his eyes, but he didn't dare to look at Osamu. 

_"...Hahh. If what you're accusing them of is true, what makes you so different then?"_ Atsumu looked up and froze. Osamu was angry. Very angry. He didn't like it when Osamu got angry. He'd look at Atsumu with cold eyes and he'd feel even more distant than before. 

_"Samu... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."_

_"Get out."_

_"I didn't mean it, Samu. I'm sorry."_

_"I said get out!!"_ Osamu pushed him outside the room and closed the door with a loud thud.

_"S-samu!!" Atsumu desperately tries to open the door. Tears began falling from his eyes now. "Samu... don't be mad. I don't like it when you're mad."_ He sobs.

_"....It's always about what you want, Tsumu. It's always about you, you, you. And I'm tired of it."_ With those words, Osamu refused to respond to anything else Atsumu said.

Atsumu clenched his fists at the memory of their fight. He had tried apologizing, but Osamu has continued to ignore him. 

_Why do I always end up saying things I don't mean? It's true... what they said is true... I really am... a useless brother..._

He's decided.

In order to make up with his brother, he's going to give him a gift. "Samu, let's catch that butterfly!"

Of course, things didn't end up the way he wanted it to. 

"Name a single time when it was my fault that things went wrong. There's none because it's _always_ your fault." Osamu angrily growls.

_...I messed up. Why did I tell Samu it was his fault? Why did I blame him? Even though it's mine... Even though it's all my fault. Why do I always... end up saying things I don't really mean..._

"I'm—"

"I was only looking at the butterfly. You dragged me along with you to follow it around. So stop blaming me."

_...sorry..._

The young Atsumu looks down his feet.

_Samu's mad. Samu's mad at me again. It's because of my stupid mouth. It's because I keep saying things like this. I..._

_'I keep saying things I regret,'_

_I remember thinking to myself back then. Looking back though, how could I have been so stupid? Did I really think catching some dumbass black butterfly could miraculously make Samu think I'm a good brother? Oh sorry, I don't really think the butterfly is a dumbass. My bad, I just got frustrated at the memory. Wait, who am I apologizing to right now, exactly? Arrghh, it's only the second entry and now I'm writing as if I'm speaking with my diary like those girls in romance teenage flicks. Will I end up writing "Dear Diary" as I write more entries in the future? Oh please no. The horror. And just thinking about how Samu might accidentally read it is enough to make me flip. He'd never let me live in peace!_

_Whew. Ok. I got distracted. I can't believe so many years has passed since then. Certain things still haven't changed. I'm still so stupid. Always saying insensitive things I don't really mean. And Samu... probably still thinks I'm troublesome. Whenever I visit his shop, he sometimes gives me this look. Like he doesn't want me around. "You're here again?" That kind of look._

_But I can't help it. Volleyball is still fun and all, but ever since Samu ahs stopped playing, I always hated the time after practice. Going home alone, staying at home alone, reviewing videos alone... Back then, I always did these things with Samu, but now I'm all alone. Has things always been this boring when I was doing the same things with my brother? I'm pretty sure I had plenty of fun then._

_I hate to admit it, but I sometimes miss Samu. Being alone sucks, so I really like visiting his shop when it's nearing its closing hours. I mean, I can't just show up when there are other customers. Samu would be too busy then and I won't be able to talk to him. I know he's tired when it's near closing but... Am I being too selfish? Sometimes, eating over at Onigiri Miya are the things I look forward to. It's just so silent at home that I... end up thinking of things. Things I don't want to deal with._

_And! Argh, this is so cheesy but, I do worry about Samu, 'kay! When he said he wanted to get into the food industry back in high school, I read a ton ~~of shit~~ about opening restaurants and all that! Opening new food shops in Japan is hard! And it's apparently hard managing restaurants. I was so worried! I mean, Onigiri Miya is going well now, but... Anything could happen. Is it so wrong to be worried?_

_Anyway. Writing down in this journal seems better than I initially thought. Who knew writing out my frustrations would be as effective as Granny said? The paper feels so soft and it smells good too. I wonder if this was an expensive notebook? I hope Granny didn't spend some good dime on this just for me. She should just focus on spending for her needs in her old age! I swear, if I see that negligent son of his, I'll break his ~~fucking~~ n_ _ose! Who leaves their mother all alone like that? She practically has no one to take care of her when she already has a hard time walking! Her knees ache just y heading for the supermarket, dammit! I wish I could do more for Granny. But she refuses my help a lot of times and can get really stubborn. Most of my neighbors tend to be like that as well. Do all elderly become stubborn due to old age? Well, I've always been like that so I wouldn't know._

_I've written quite a lot for my second entry. ~~And I kept getting sidetracked too.~~ I should end this here. I don't think I can write again here tomorrow. Coach said he'll be turning the training up a notch. I might be too tired to write down anything here. Also, Granny seems to have run out of tea so I'll have to buy some since she only goes grocery shopping on Saturdays. I heard from Mrs. Aiko that Mr. Furuya has been sick lately, so I guess I'll go bring him some fruits too. Ahh, I have a long day ahead tomorrow.」_

Osamu eyed the last word of the entry with a bitter taste in his mouth. A wave of awkwardness washes over him. With just a single entry from his brother's diary, he realizes exactly how much he didn't know about his brother. Miya Osamu, the man who prided himself to be the one person who knows _the_ Miya Atsumu the most in this world. His twin. His other half. He thought it was only natural for him to know the other like he knows the lines at the palm of his hands.

When people looked up at his brother with eyes filled with awe, when he hears of fans wondering what Miya Atsumu was like in personal, Osamu's chest would well up with pride. But it was a laughable, foolish pride. He didn't know everything about Atsumu. If he did, he could have been found by now. If he did, he wouldn't be so lost right now.

There were two things Osamu was certain of. First, he knows that as long as he tries, he'd never fail to reach his goals. Second, he knows everything there is to know about his twin. The one person who he was stuck with since he was a child. The louder, and ruder mirror of himself. He knows Atsumu like he knows himself. At least, that's what he thought.

Now, his own brother felt like a stranger to him. He didn't recognize this Atsumu. His Tsumu was someone who only thinks of himself and volleyball. He'd often drag Osamu around to go play. He'd get angry when Osamu doesn't give it his all when he spikes. Atsumu was like a fire that never stopped burning.

His Tsumu was someone with a tongue as sharp as a knife and liked to get people riled up. He made a lot of enemies. But Atsumu was witty and charismatic. If he knew how to piss people off, he also had a way with charming them. People loved him and hated him.

His Tsumu steals his pudding and lies about it right in front of his face. His Tsumu is someone who borrows his things without permission and never returns it. His Tsumu was probably the most grating brother there is. Everyday Osamu would get pissed at him for at least 10 times. And they'd sometimes bicker like all other siblings do.

His Tsumu liked to eat his onigiri and visits his shop. A lot. Osamu noticed how he liked onigiris made with freshly fermented rice the most. His Tsumu was very much willing to try out new types of onigiri he'd made. He'd pretend he didn't like it much by talking about how _totally normal_ it tasted. But Osamu could tell with the way his cheeks reddens ever so slightly and the way his eyes shine as he eats. Atsumu really liked the food Osamu made. 

His Tsumu was chaotic and carefree. His Tsumu had dreams. Big dreams. Great dreams that Osamu knew, _just_ knew, he would achieve. His brother was born to be under the spotlight, with the whole world looking at him with absolute wonder and awe. His Tsumu was a person made for great things. He was confident and he knew exactly what he wanted.

And, his Tsumu was an annoying brother. He was someone who'd pick a fight knowing that Osamu would cool down after some time anyway. His Tsumu demanded many things as if Osamu was his maid. His Tsumu knew him more than evem their closest friends. He knew his Tsumu did care about him in his own confusing way. His Tsumu wasn't the best brother there was, but he was the only one for him. The only brother Osamu could ask for.

But now he knows that Atsumu was so much different. He always knew that his brother care about him, but has it always been so different from how Osamu thought he did? Has Tsumu always been this... harsh on himself? Did Tsumu always seem so lonely?

Then, a sinister thought creeps from the back of his head and Osamu gasps. He bites his lips without noticing, and only until he felt something painful in his lips did he realize he's done it again. With shaking hands, he covers his mouth. His breath was getting heavier.

_'Just how much exactly do I know about Tsumu?'_

He feels his stomach drop. It was a horrifying thing to even think about. He remembers Mrs. Riko's words,

_"Tsumu did mention that he was a very good actor."_

If so, what was a lie and what wasn't? It haunted him. Osamu's head is pounding now. Even more so when his phone rang loudly. 

"...Aran-san?"

"Osamu, where are you right now? Are you at home?"

"Yes. Why? Did something happen?" Osmau hears other voices at the other side of the line. It seems Aran was speaking with someone else. Eventually, another person speaks over the phone.

"Osamu, listen to me carefully and be calm." Suna says.

"...Why? Did something bad happen?" Osamu is tempted to bite on his lip again.

"We found Atsumu's cap. The one he was wearing that day."

Osamu was on his legs before he knew it. "...What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me sooo long. College is a bitch. Also, I didn't proofread this chapter and was rushed near the end so it might not be as well-written as the previous ones. I'm so sorry!!! 
> 
> Next chapter may be out at around December. I'm sorry if it's taking long. Exams are fast approaching 😭
> 
> Also, while cleaning my files, I found the sequel of my other story, the Atsuhina one shot. I thought I lost the file but it seems I still have it. It's not yet complete and tbh I don't remember well how I planned the story anymore. I wonder if I should just go ahead and try to finish it? Many people were asking for a sequel too. Tell me your thoughts in the comment section ~

**Author's Note:**

> I know that by the end of the first chapter, many questions will run through your minds. 
> 
> Did he leave? Did he run away somewhere? Was he kidnapped? Did he die? Is he coming back? When I shared the outline of the story to my best friend, she asked something similar. What happened to Atsumu? This whole story hinges on that one thing, and so I can't easily give you the answer.
> 
> The one thing I can afford to be honest about though is this: it will not be easy for the characters in this fic. And that would mean it probably won't be easy for you guys too. :(
> 
> Follow me on twitter! [@atsumu_angst](https://twitter.com/atsumu_angst)


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